ExchangeEveryDay Past Issues

"By the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about.... The ability to feel connected, is — neurobiologically, that's how we're wired — it's why we're here." This comment comes from Brene Brown in her TedTalk,"The Power of Vulnerability". Here is a bit more from her remarks:

"So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one thing — an 'opportunity for growth?' And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.

"So very quickly... I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.... And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," which we all know that feeling: 'I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.' The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen....

"...Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, 'Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect — make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade.' That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, 'You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.' That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today."

• Connecting: Friendship in the Lives of
  Young Children and Their Teachers


• Powerful Interactions: How to Connect with
  Children to Extend Their Learning